The roughest yet..

So far, the week has pretty much been the shittiest week in my life, and it's only Thursday. I'm pretty sure that it's not gonna get worse. I can't wait for the weekend to sit back and relax little bit. Might take a bubble bath while I'm at it too.

It's been really weird. I think if I stayed off the computer and hung out, my week wld have been much better. Things are going really well here, except for the God-forsakened weather now, but well, there is lots of snow, and snow is very fun. School's pretty much the same, although the assignments will be piling soon. The peeps are doing their own thing,I'm gaining some stability and having a life outside perpetual visits to the bar. I'll be moving in with Chrissy soon and I'm looking forward to that. So everything here has been surprisingly smooth-sailing and very pleasant. Then, this is totally offset when i turn on the com to see what's going on back home. My goodness, chaos is probably an understatement. Absolute havoc! It's been terribly upsetting over the last few days to hear what's been going on. Honestly, I don't even know what to do or say anymore. I'm just going to let time heal all wounds. Hopefully, when I get home things will be better.

And then we move on to briefly talk about this word that has been much associated with me over the last couple of months/weeks/days. It is CHANGE. So maybe it seems like I've changed, but I know myself. I haven't changed one bit. If only anyone can view things in my point of view will they understand. I'm still me. Jezsica has been here with me. She's known me from back home and she knows me now. She'll say I've been dumb, but she's also said, I haven't changed. It's complicated to explain and I'm not going to. I don't wish to make it seem like i'm making excuses for myself. A lot of why "change" is associated with me is because most info was second-hand, from a particular blabber mouth whose intentions I'm sure, was anything but noble, decided to screw things up. I know me, and I haven't changed. Sure, some of my perspectives have changed, opinions on certain things, but I'm in a totally different society, you just learn to see somethings in a different light. Choosing to not learn and adapt is plain ignorance, so I won't beat myself up for having a different take on things.

Me being here, to everything that has happened and is happening, happens for a reason. I'm not saying that I've done the greatest job in settling down, but God knows I've tried. Being able to only live from day to day has been extremely tough, but i realised it's the best way for me right now. It keeps everything in control and it allows for damage control. At the end of the day, I still look at my mistakes and realise that I clould have done things differently. At the same time, I cannot afford to sit and wallow in everything that goes wrong. I have no doubt that I'll make it out alive and in one piece, with a great experience to tell. So I hope that these certain people will see that, because this is what i want and I'm ready to fight with everything that's in me.

I love u guys! Ess, Clare, Farna and Moo... The indecisive, naive,reactive,dependent,cannot make it Vanessa is still here!!


Music: Three days Grace- Pain